Ration your tea, everyone, because this season of “The Real Housewives of Atlanta” is about to spill it all. The teaser, which featured scrumptious tidbits of jaw-dropping drama, choreographed African dance, tears, and someone unconscious on the floor, was enough to send me induce guilty-pleasure euphoria. And the episode itself was stuffed with plenty of pearl-clutching moments that I didn't even notice the absence of NeNe Leakes. Bloop!
Grab your favorite cocktail and let's break this episode down, shall we?
Duchess Porsha. In an wincingly ironic twist, we find the ever-glam Porsha in a new relationship with Buffalo Bills’ safety, Duke Williams. She showers him with luxury hotel suite, and designer clothes. He arrives with a backpack and a dopey smile--he's a bit young, you see. It's a complete role-reversal from her marriage to former football player and all-American douchebag Kordell Stewart, who loved to pamper and dress her (while treating her like garbage). Porsha is merely taking charge of her love life with "no apologies," and from the three minutes of giggly, gropey screen time Duke gets, I don't get any creeper vibes yet. I will only worry when Porsha starts restricting his behavior and telling him to retire from football so he can maintain the home.
#BlackGirlGlamour. Atlanta’s sidewalks must be made entirely of red carpets and runways because nearly all of the women worked seriously fabulous fashions. From Phaedra’s black outfit complete with a mini-cape and longer, sultry locks to Porsha’s elegant white dress with the sassy change purse pockets to Marlo’s complicated banded black jumpsuit, the Atlanta women serving us Black Girl Glamour.
Moore Manor. It’s not remotely shocking that resident villain and shit-stirrer, Kenya Moore found a house in mere feet away from Chateau Sheree. Moore Manor is light years beyond a fixer-upper, but it does have good bones (said bones may be infested with snakes and termites, though). It’s not a Real Housewives season without some murky real estate woes, so Kenya’s treacherous moneypit definitely fills that requirement. Her insistence to throw shade at the unfinished Chateau Sheree is all in devious fun. Until it's not.
Papa Smurf Is Busted. Last season, Cynthia couldn’t wait to share with the girls that Phaedra cheating on her soon-to-be-incarcerated husband with some mystery man named Chocolate. This season, Cynthia now has to deal with a video of her husband, Peter, fondling and whispering with a young woman in his bar on Instagram. Cynthia has been called many things since she began her Housewives run—flip-flopper, Nene’s puppet, and spineless to name a few—so I was shocked to see her dressed to kill, sitting on the veranda drinking wine like an incensed soap opera matriarch ready to confront her clueless and remorseless husband. “You look like you’re about to bury somebody,” Peter jokes. “Well, that has yet to be determined," Cynthia snaps back. Drag him, sweetie! Don't forget, she’s knows a funeral home director personally. Tread carefully, Papa Smurf, Gargemel’s got nothin' on a housewife scorned.
Mal The Terrible. Conveniently, Cynthia’s sister—who plotted with her mother to ruin Cynthia’s wedding to Peter years earlier—rolls into town to watch her sister’s marriage go down in flames and to be the first to dish out a few million “I told you so’s.” For now, Mal is content to tease out Cynthia’s pain and tears and run to the other ladies with the intimate intel, like the fact that Cynthia isn’t physically attracted to Peter with his clothes off. The ladies rightfully and unanimously were Team Cynthia.
When in doubt, listen to Beyonce. Honestly, Instagam-gate alone isn’t a reason to break up a marriage but no marriage is without a myriad of problems. However, Cynthia Bailey is a freakin’ supermodel, and she reminds everyone as such with a grand entrance at her eyewear launch party! Clad in a white bikini and gold-embellished sheer kaftan looking like a billion dollars, Cynthia descends the spiral staircase on the rooftop of an Atlanta hotel. Werk, Ms. Bailey.
The message is clear: if Peter wants to grope twenty-something thots in a bar, he’s free to do so. Cynthia will be just fine (and probably richer) without him. In the words of the all-knowing goddess Beyonce, “don't you ever for a second get to thinking you're irreplaceable.”
Kenya Gonna Check You Boo. After nearly a decade of Real Housewives, we know there will be inappropriate behavior at parties. Though I was actually proud of Kenya for keeping it 100 with Peter, who seemed a little too eager to ruin wife's event, that pride dies a horrible death when Kenya and ATL OG Sheree Whitfield go all the way in mere minutes after meeting over their respective homes.
Kenya wastes no time cutting Sheree to the white meat—explaining that the neighbors were complaining about her unfinished “eyesore.” Sheree shoots back with a dig about renting and basically that she will be residing in a moldy ditch. Sheree should have went straight for Kenya's court-ordered eviction. The episode ends with this verbal mollywhop from Kenya: “I will be in the ditch in three months and you will still be in a tent outside because your bitchass can’t move in yet.” The girls rightfully try to confiscate Sheree’s wine glass.
It's quite obvious that these Atlanta housewives came to play! Generally, premiere episodes are sprinkled with the seeds of drama, but this gave us a fully grown peach tree, and hopefully it bears scandalous fruits for the rest of the season.
Photo Credits: etonline.com; ibtimes.com
Small Screen Girl
I am an unabashed pop culture and TV-aholic with no plans to ever seek treatment. Explore this blog and see just how deep my obsession goes.